Overcome these 3 “Must” to be Happy and Free

Using the wisdom of Albert Ellis

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Alright, let's dive right into this newsletter and unshackle ourselves from these limiting beliefs!

First off, here are the three musts that hold us back. They are like chains weighing us down.

I must do well. You must treat me well. And the world must be easy.

Albert Ellis tells us that these demands we make of ourselves, others, and life itself are what bring on the misery. We turn our preferences into these rigid needs, demanding that they be fulfilled.

Here's the thing, my friends. It's not the events themselves that make us miserable. No, it's the beliefs we attach to 'em. Our emotions are controlled by our underlying philosophy of life. So, if we want to change how we feel, we gotta shift those beliefs.

For example, imagine I'm writing this newsletter and I tell myself, "I must write the perfect newsletter" How would that make me feel? Stress AF, right? But here's what I'm gonna do instead. I'll change my philosophy, my inner dialog and tell myself:

"I'm gonna put in my all, give it my best shot. If some people don't like this newsletter, so be it! I'll take their feedback, if its helpful, and come back stronger next time."

Boom! Just like that, I've transformed that demand into a simple desire, and I've shielded myself from unnecessary stress and anxiety while keeping my eyes on what’s really important, sharing helpful ideas and growth.

Let's talk a bit further about the demands we place on ourselves. These suckers are unrealistic, insidious, inflexible, and too damn reliant on what others think of us

Take these examples: "I must do everything perfectly. If I don't, I'm a failure." Or, "I must have approval from others. I can't act in a way they'll disapprove of." Damn, that's a lot of pressure for no good reason, my friends! Most of us have been there at some point. But it's time to break free from that downward spiral

We can challenge those beliefs and change how we feel. Ask yourself, "Why must I do everything perfectly? Who said I need others' approval?"

Now, here's what we can do to combat those demands. Instead of beating ourselves up, let's tell ourselves:

"I'd prefer to do things well, but I know it's not realistic to demand perfection from myself. I won't let these demands make me angry, depressed, or anxious anymore."

And that need for approval? We can chuck that too. Here is another helpful reframe:

"I desire others' approval, but even if they don't approve, it's all good! I won't let their opinions dictate my happiness. No more misery, anger, anxiety, or depression caused by that obsession!"

Alright, now let's tackle the demands we make of others. Albert Ellis says when we make these demands, we put ourselves at the center of the universe, expecting everyone to dance to our tune. But that's a one-way ticket to rage and bitterness, my friends.

Let's say you demand fair treatment: "Others must treat me fairly, competently, and never criticize me. If they don't, they're no good human beings who deserve punishment."

But here's the truth: People will mess up sometimes, and that's okay. We don't have to condone their behavior, but we can stop demanding that they act like angels, especially towards us. And we won't let their bad behavior drive us insane!

So, let's challenge that "god-like" demand and tell ourselves:

"I wish people would act fairly, especially towards me. But if they don't, too bad! I won't take their criticism to heart. No more making myself miserable by demanding others to always act favorably."

And remember, accepting that others act badly doesn't mean we're cool with it. It means we're freeing ourselves from that madness! We can still set boundaries and express ourselves as needed.

Now, let's talk about demanding an easy, problem-free life. We all wish for that vacation from life's challenges, but turning it into a need? That's a recipe for anger, anxiety, depression, and self-pity.

If you catch yourself saying, "Life shouldn't be this hard. It should be easy and problem-free. I can't stand living like this. Everyone else should change to make it easier for me."

We gotta shift our perspective. Here's a better mantra:

"I'd prefer life to be different, and I'll work on changing what I can control. But I won't make myself more miserable by demanding life conforms to my wishes. I'll control what I can, and I'll let go of the rest. Life can seem unfair and difficult at times, but I can handle it. I'll keep pushing towards my goals, no matter how tough it gets."

This framework from Albert Ellis for getting us unstuck has been helpful for both my clients and myself. Take a good look, and you'll see that much of our misery comes from our own rigid demands. And by changing those demands to preferences, we can transform our anger, anxiety, and depression into mere frustration, concern, and dissatisfaction.